Supposedly, if I were to assume the school’s email was right. Today will be the 3rd day of shortlisting for NUS and 11 more days before NTU’s shortlisting period comes to an official end. I can never describe how afraid, how fragile, and how badly I wanted to cry now. The amount of uncertainty is unfathomable. I have never been that uncertain before. Yes, there were plenty of occasions where doubts would be cast, but eventually, I always knew my way around. This time, this is so different. If you are Phobos (the god of fear in Greek mythology. Sorry, Percy Jackson’s books are beginning to mark an influence on me), you can detect my fear from a several thousand mile radius. Yes, 3rd day only and I have not received any news. That statement itself could cast a self-portraying imaging of an impatient personnel. But, with each passing day of silence, a little piece of me died. Especially so for NTU, because I have no idea when they have started shortlisting already, and that their ”1st week of April” could jolly well be defined by Friday, 1st April. Which I hope that would make a good April Fool’s joke, but that would have trashed their professionalism. On top of that, a casual remark, albeit innocently, raised by my parents saying, “It doesn’t matter or not if you get in.” Can you imagine all the disappointment that came down inundating into me? I can hardly make out what to perceive.
Probably, this is the test of time. The test of determination, trust and belief that things will eventually be sorted out. However, I can never sit down there like a duck and not make things happen. I guess, somewhere along the way I would find something to make things happen. For now, I have no choice but, to wait. Besides, I have my backup plans right? What is there to worry about? In a world of compounded anxiety and uncertainty, everything is worth worrying. Then again, one of my friends once told me, there is no point worrying. Why not spent the effort worrying onto something else more productive? And here I am, trying to be more productive by sorting out the emotional tangles, hoping that things will really flow.
Probably, I just need my outlet here, to tell myself, “Don’t worry Xiaokang, no matter what happens, you will be the doctor you would want to be. And nobody is going to stop you from achieving that.”
No matter what happens, this is the path that I have chosen to walk. And I will never back off.
Edit: I felt like I am walking along a path in an abyss of darkness, with no sense of security of visibility. Until a flash of light zapped past. Slowly, orbs of light illuminated around me, offering me a radius of light. Despite the radius being small, it was the most comforting thing my friends can ever give me.
What started out innocently as a share on of NTU LKC’s video by one of their students became a pothole for the collection of encouragement. And boy was I so glad to see them. Things are definitely less scary now, and together with the orbs, I shall use my compass to guide me along to the doors of medicine.
Oh, and I was chatting up with one of my friends on Whatsapp when he realized my English name, Lucius, meant light. That provided me with an insight that I would be the light guiding the wounded, inflicted and the sick back to the path of recovery and that is why I am called doctor Lucius. Hahaha, just some random food for thought. At least, I felt much much better now.